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Ive walked on eggshells for years and hes totally screwed my head ! I am also feeling at fault because I would always push him away when it came to affection/sex. Hey Hazel You really need to work through the 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence and The Love Safety Net Workbook. Its not fair to her. Play as nice as you can and de escalate the fight and let the heat come down on him from police. I only realized what narcissism is about when my current boyfriend told me he was a narcissist , I didnt get it at first. So nice to get your response and timely! If your narcissistic friend is supposed to have lunch with you, invite a few other friends without telling her. its just not final as in annuled. When I speak up he makes me out to be the crazy one! (they seem to have a hard time understanding the grief I am experiencing, for starters!). Weve been together 7 years. Thanks Kim I understand you dont have alot of info to work with. I only asked you to let me know when you made it back via phone so I knew you made it ok. You did not call me for three days after you came back and it took me calling you mother because I was worried and her telling you that, for you to call me. I am caring for our children on my own and maintaining a home, working, and hurting, as are our kids and obviously my husband too. It needs to flap its wings until blood flows to each vien in order to escape the cocoon. Do you think thats possible? He knew it would be very hard for me to obtain a job in Germany. I am soooo sick and tired of him by the weekend after hes been a jerk half the week for apologising yes apologising for being a jerk and defending himself at what a tough week its been and hes sorry only for him to do it again. That means I do as much as possible to surround myself with loving people, things I like to do, and time for myself to process everything in my life. He owes me large amounts of money, takes me to court to harass me and only takes notice of police and bailiffs. Just the paranoia, the aggressions, the damage to your property, his alcohol abuse and him breaking in to your bedroom at night and making stories about other people that are not true. Thanks Kim , Thanks for another great article. He will never change, so the question is, are you willing and capable of putting all your dreams, goals and morals aside for a boyfriend. He always has an agenda.which is for himself onlyultimately to make himself feel good about himself. I think it is wise that you talk to him but also be prepared. He told me yesterday that he was changing phone carriers because the sales agent hung up the phone on him and he thought that was rude. "I definitely attribute some of my anxiety to this. You are right when you say talking does no good. How can you prevent this person raping you again? Its going to cost him a whole lot more when he moves out and has to pay someone to live somewhere else. Stay calm and polite no matter how they react. I agreed to come back to the relationship with many boundaries in place. And even that can be a prolonged struggle, given their profound dependence on their victims. I feel persecuted and I dont know how to cope. If there is anyone who can possibly help us with the legal stuff, we would greatly appreciate it. WOW very interesting since we are just going thru an episode of what you describe Kim. The very first time my friend yelled at me, I have never known such fear in my life of another person. Be the happy person you were meant to be and fear nothing! Everything is always my fault, and he never takes responsibility for hurtful actions. It should be stressed however that this . 17) You accused me time and time again of cheating on you. Hi all, First time Ive contributed to this blog and wanted to get more info on Because I loved him I needed to say no. Like you I dont want sex with him, but feel that to deny it too often is the same thing as withholding my love. It is a freaking living nightmare. Nothing will convince them or change them. I saw that and I used that knowledge to my advantage. I do mean literally do anything to not be found out. That kind of thinking can unfortunately get people, and especially children hurt. After 37 years he left with his then current lover and finally divorced me. I do know he does not have credit cards because he just filed bankruptcy. I will be cancer free for five years in September! Cannot yet share my own experience but am on a huge learning curve so am needing to understand more and recognise fully that the change needs to come from me: not only because I would like to have the NPD in my life understand the impact of his behaviour on me (and others) My experience is that this requires a lot of work on yourself to find emotional balance and peace of mind that they cannot reach, whilst you respond to their behaviour gently but firmly. Hi Carol Welcome! I have just learned in the past few months about these disorders. I dont want to possess him or be obsessed with him. Thanks for another great article and check out my reparative relationship website I call Flaky Folks when you get a chance. Linda, thanks for your insight. I arranged that myself. Thanks again for being so personal! I can now have an evening in and not feel insecure because Im learning who I am and strangely with his silencing since our last split Ive realised I need to find me. When two month later you parents decided they wanted to stay where they were, and we had to get a roommate to be able to cover the rent, you blamed me for having a stranger living in our home. I categorize the severity of it by saying what percent of the time he is like this. I assure you that separating bank accounts will work to stop that. They strike back hard to try to save their own self or credibility. Thank you to all the people who have made comment on this site, it sure has opened my eyes. (first disbelief, then unreal grief, then disbelief, grief, etc etc) Rather stuck in a cycle of griefIt doesnt seem like anyone could fake love as good as thatand yet, it isnt the kind of love one would want or expect from a husband, or at least he is unwilling (unable) to do that now! As you can imagine finances have been a total mess and Im trying to save bits at a time for your book. It is the unhealthy part of their thinking. Now we have to devide property, of course I dont deserve anything, I didnt do as I was told, had too much to say for myself, turned everyone against him and so it goes on and on. I do feel very disappointed in him because this is our second go-around and this time marriage happened. Ive allowed my husband to twist and manipulate, not be held accountable for most of it. 2 Say "no" when they ask for favors. He is a man who keeps running away from commitments , he is traumatized . Is it OK though that I gave him time to make a decision and set a time for him to tell me? Liar! Think of it like this you can choose to feed . You have an amazing insight and Gods wisdom! The problem is that with the upcoming deployment time is very limited and decisions have to be made. It might be a better option to push for him to have his pay deposited into your account for budgeting (so his bills are covered first before you give him money to spend) or else you may need to speak with his employees about the situation because he is not providing for his family. Obviously I wanted my parents to love me; I want this guy to love me, forgive me and at least talk to me on occasion, but hes gone. You wont get it while allowing a NPD to be in it. I am looking for feedback hereI want to work on myself. Living with individuals with NPD means accepting the facts of 1) being the only adult in the relationship and 2) giving empathy and recieving empathy. I knew him for 6 years. Not throwing it in his face but letting him know that he is not the only person in my life. Is there anything I can do at this point to help the situation? Ive analyzed this thing a zillion times, gone to therapy, gone to grief groups and have come to the conclusion that Im just going to accept that I call him. When asked you about it, You said you did that because you wanted her to move back so you could be closer to your kids. I told him if he didnt want to make a decision then I would have to make one on my own and told him that I felt it is best to seperate our finances completely and that in order to do so he would have to get his own place to live once he comes back home. There doesnt seem to be anything else I CAN do. I just didnt take his bait and didnt talk about the negative thing he was trying to focus on about me. Every crazy thing that has ever happened in our relationship that I could never understand was outlined in the characteristics and traits of a person with NPD. It really helps!! Within Canon Law, if these essential qualities are lacking, the marriage can be looked on as invalid from the start, i.e. Someone experiencing narcissistic rage may feel that someone else or an event in their life is threatening or may injure their self-esteem or self-worth. I have to say after reading you article it does make perfect sense. He feels I am wronging him by leaving. When others place responsibility on the narcissist, the narcissist sees this as an attempt to impose his or her will. How different from what I normally get from my husband. Now, with the knowledge of what shes doing, I will never try to make sense of her, just my reaction to her. It does hurt tremedously though because I do love him and wanted to marry him one day. If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. 1) During your deployments R&R, as I was in the process giving up my job, selling my home, pack, finding a rental home in a new state that I didnt know a soul in. (it had worked in the past and thought that as we were married, we would work through it). . No wonder I could not communicate with my husband! But recently it has about chewed me up and spit me out. Who will love him if I do not? All I can say is wow. I was going to divorce him and he asked for forgiveness and a second chance it was good for a month but he couldnt keep it up and now 7 months later I am telling him I want a divorce our eclesiastical leader is helping he hopes to heal our marraige But I feel my N is immovable to compromise. When I noticed them missing and asked you, you lied at first and then came to me later to tell me what you did. In my marriage, I only said something when I was pushed to the wall and was accused of being the one at fault because he was perfectly happy in the marriage. I believed him about the stuff about his EX, why wouldnt I, who would have thought a man could make up such immoral disgusting things about another person. Women, for instance, go back to their abuser an average of seven times, even if she was the one who initiated the termination. Don't fall for the temptation to sink to their level. They have to be sane! For myself and my family, I divorced in 1983 without ever understanding about NPD. Being involved/loving a highly Narcissistic person is the most draining, devestating rape of your life, soul, family, work, financials etc. Only you know. You need to send this to his doctor and also CC someone else as a witness. Its hard to give up on a man who has saved you in waysand who you know deep down, he is a good manbut his fear keeps him from being able to create real intimacy, and build on a relationship based on trust and honesty. Ive also had to realize that I am a classic co-dependent and always thinking we can somehow get back to the way things wereor at least how I fantasize they were. And he was just as cool and calm. I told him dozens of times I would not put with him spending so much time with her and talking to her on the phone every day, and he says theres something wrong with me that I dont accept their friendship. He confides a lot of intimate things to her first before telling me its the whole emotional infidelity thing. There is no love in the world worth what a borderline narcissist is willing to do to not be healthy and to take you down with them. Its not a break up. But I wasnt trusting his intentions. Tanya and Genelle, My story is the same too :/. My question is, it would be great to rely on someone else (police, doctor, etc) to deliver the bad news to him about his behavior, but the things my husband does are too mild for that. It was my word against hers. Hi. However if they perceive that they do not need you to feel secure and happy you had better find a way to get out quickly because they have no incentive to check their behaviour. And I wonder if you may be co-dependent if it is not merely the grieving process of a break up. Love yourselves enough to cut your losses. He never took me for treatments, he acted as if this was not his worry or fight. There is absolutely no redeeming qualities about a person who has a blaming spirit and thinks that everyone else is the problem. Although it was his decision, not mine, he recently said that he felt abandoned by me before he abandoned me. Ive realized the times he/we are in therapy he is good but when the therapy is over it isnt long before he reverts back to his passive aggressive and non-relational ways. but then it got controlling and he was saying Im not trying enough and that I didnt understand pressure being a mother and I should work full time then youll understand pressure. Instead, refocus on yourself and on rebuilding a better life (not for the narcissist, but for you). Sometimes, the best way to hold a narcissist accountable is to take the proverbial bull by the horns and directly, and (unwaveringly) address their behavior. Curious as I educate myself on this. I self petitioned for my green card under the Violence against women act and have recently received my papers. How depressing that they are so selfish they will not be responsible. He spins everything to make me wrong and him right. When you first met, you likely thought your partner was attentive and wonderful. He is already beginning to poison them as punishment or me. Recently things are extremely difficult for my family. All I can say is that if you care enough for the person dont give up and just make it part of life. So, I think who am I hurting? This is an interesting topic. He did say it would get worse as I started to set boundaries etc., he WASNT kidding. The constant struggle I am working on and dont know how to solve is how to deal with broken promises. She curses in front of parents and kids, belittle me many of times.. In my heart I know its not over, but things are far from good! My friends would even try to be her friend instead of mine ones they had met her. It made me feel alone too. Its all straight from the heart and tells it like it really is. Yet, I hang on to this thing called hope. Carry in a recliner with me after I asked you to please help me because it was outside and it was about to rain and you refusing, while sitting on the bed eating pizza. Narcissists are afraid of being rejected or abandoned. Id meant to say in that last sentence that id text him to say I was tired and hence grumpy that bubs wasnt sleeping.he told me to drink concrete and harden up it was my choice to have the baby, hed have had an abortion. Your response was that he is a teenager and eats a lot and that it would create more work and trouble. I told him that I would, because of your advise, & I was so scared to follow through, but I did. Stand up and say sorry I cant be with someone who does these things and get out of the relationship the first time it happens! Rejection. It is important to not fulfill any of their requests unless they reciprocate the energy. Hey Welcome Radioactive and perfectly said! Debbie says to a narcissist marriage equals money and talks about the childlike behavior. To me he is like a predator sucking the happiness out of his prey and then throwing them away when they are sad. All the Best! You are impressed and begin focusing your attention on them. I held on to what was left, did marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc. I do love him. Stay away from anyone who will judge and criticize. Its been over a year. He tells me in a text later that night after Id told to drink concrete and harden up. The problem is that everyone thinks they were both wonderful and there was something wrong with me. Despite the difficulties of this life, I love my husband and do not want to leave him. Mine was in the beginning, then less and then gone. I dont tolerate stupidity anymore, from myself nor others. There is huge part of me that feels very used, as if we were just this family he created out of loneliness until something better came along, and now that he is on his way out, he has no concern at all for the pain that created for all of us. They Want to Get Noticed Together. It used to be about 70%, and in the remaining 30% he would seem normal and nice. Any hope of that happening? By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. She calls every email I send her Diatribes which tells me 1) she doesnt give a good rats ass about my feelings or opinions 2) dismisses my opinion yet expects me to hear her out every time!If I told you everything about our relationship I would write a 10 volume encyclopedia! While I was asleep, got my phone and synced with it taking all of my photos my phone showed that his phone synced to mine at 3:53 a.m. And he took things of mine and continued to invade my privacy until suddenly woke at 5:30 and saw him standing at the foot of my bed!!! I have had yet another bereavement recently (my mother) i have had 3 in just under 3 years and have found it very difficult to flatline ie show no emotion ever in his precense. The world is a much better place when people like that do the only thing that is notable in their life which is for them to kill themselves and do the rest of us a favor. Your email address will not be published. The Control Freak This parent sees their child as a person whose role in life is to make them happy and do as they say. The good thing I am glad he finally is looking old so the women will possibly be out of our lives. The thinh that is scary is that he wants big money and power. Hi Kate That is a great question. I told him that I needed him to make decision by tonite which ofcourse he didnt like at all. He isnt a major narcissist but has both narcissistic and borderline tendencies and at times he is a nightmare to deal with. So, I finally left him in December. And heal and grow. I couldnt do it for him, it had to come to him. I loved him so much and I am still involved with him to an extent as we share property and pets. Should I not be upset? One new study showed that narcissists can significantly damage workplace team performance. I think however there are differences in people with npd. Hi Kim, thanks for the response. Im trying to find a way to heal mentally but he doesnt give me a single chance. Do I love him the answer will always be yes. I dont know what else to do. Again be matter of fact and say that you are concerned that they understand how serious this is and deal responsibly with how dangerous his behaviour has become. In this situation the priority is on setting boundaries. I didnt handle it right, I got upset and was hurt and we had an allniter fight again. I dont see any additional archives. Guess that is what still hurts him most. He was very serious about making the change. I looked on the ph billhe talked with her for 6 min on that horrible day he was having, he never said excuse me Ill have to get back to you, Im busy, nope he chitty chatted and dumped on me. Holding a person accountable for what they did in the past is a waste of time and should be forgotten. Everything is my fault. I have become physically ill from this(lungs). I see that codependency is an issue that I am working with. The result- she flew into a narcissistic rage and fabricated false allegations against me. He wont make her happy she will be sad feel unloved and insecure with such a guy. I texted him saying I wanted to thank him for the wonderful time I had but being rushed out of the house was not acceptable. So yesterday I brought Monica a new cheque, wrote my phone number on the envelope, told her from now on she is to call me that he is busy at work to take such calls.